Thursday, April 12, 2012

The song that took me back.....

     Have you ever had one of those moments where a song took possession over your heart and mind, so much so, that you were just....gone?  I had that experience tonight on my way to church while listening to a local Contemporary Christian radio station. As this song played, the tears started rolling, and I was taken back to when the doctor said  "85%  chance of Trisomy 18" with the word "fatal" right after when talking about the baby girl I was carrying.

"For five months and eight days my wife and I had waited Gettin' ready for our baby girl But when he called the doctor said I need to see you and could you come in soon then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear the tests that said our baby may not live to be a year..."

     I will never forgot the shock that we felt when the doctor gave us the results of a blood test. The excitement that Michael and I felt about our child grew rather grim as he explained how our baby girl had only a 15% chance of survival, due to a positive test result of Trisomy 18, which is a genetic disorder in which a person has a third copy of material from chromosome 18, instead of the usual two copies.

    The shock didn't wear off.  Telling family and friends that night was a breeze, really. Until I said the word "fatal" and it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  Fatal.  My baby girl is going to die. The grief took over that evening.  A part of me died that night. My strength, my desire....  I figured God was punishing my for something horrible that I did. I stood in the doorway of my room and shouted that I hated Him for taking my baby away from me.

     "......then turnin' to my wife and he said "whata you wanna do?" and she said...
I wanna give her the world I wanna hold her hand I wanna be her mom for as long as I can and I wanna live every moment until that day comes I wanna show her what it means to be loved"

     There was brief talk on what to do next. More testing, termination, or waiting it out.  Michael and I chose to wait it out and deal with whatever was to come.  I knew that if I could even have one minute with my child after birth, that it would be worth it. 

     The weeks went on.  The ultrasound came back wonderful.  However, that wasn't good enough for me.  I came straight home and hopped on Google and found several Trisomy 18 families that all had good ultrasounds come back, but their baby still died in the womb, or was born and only lived a short while longer. I didn't let myself believe that our daughter could be OK. Blood tests don't lie. Right?  

      " we spent each day, watchin' every minute and prayin' for our baby girl and I will not forget the way I felt that moment when she came into this world but they took her from the room just as soon as she was born and watchin' through a window I could see her holdin' on...."

     The day Hannah was born was a cautioned excitement. While everyone else was joyful, I was not. I was scared of what was about to happen. I can't say I was really praying. I was mad at God, with everything I had. But, I know that there were a good many people praying for her, for us. 
     When my doctor pulled her from my belly, the tears started flowing.  Michael's hands stayed on me, caressing me, but his eyes were glued to our daughter as they moved her to the other side of the operating room. It seemed like forever, but, then my anesthesiologist said, "Listen there, momma. She is crying like a little baby lamb."  And she was....when they brought Hannah Diane to us, we looked for the clenched hands and the clenched feet.  But, they were perfect.  We looked for all the "abnormalities" of a Trisomy 18 baby...but there weren't any.   God saved my little girl. 

    " I said everyday we've got to bring her home she's been out to prove the doctors wrong oh and you should see her now she's as pretty as her mom and there's a boy at the front door waiting just to take her to her high school prom...

     So, the blood tests were wrong. Our Hannah showed us that day that she was brought into this world by someone more mightier than doctors and all their silly tests.  She was saved by God, and Him alone! And forever, I will be thankful to Him, for our precious Hannah Diane. 

                                (Mark Schultz:  What it Means to be Loved)
  This song is powerful in my life for the story I just shared with you, and another that I haven't that is more personal and private for me...but I hope it touches each of you that read this as it did me tonight. Praise God for the hours, for each and every minute that we get to be parents.  What a blessing it truly is!  


1 comment:

  1. Wow! I didn't know this story before today...and, yeah, wow. Hannah is the reason no one should ever abort when they receive devastating news about a pre-born child...because doctors make mistakes...and God heals in-utero. Of course, even a child born with problems is a blessing, too - as you knew because you knew holding her for even a few minutes would have been worth it. Blessings to you, my friend!