In the hectic routine of mundane activities we call life, have you ever just taken a day or two to step back and take in who or what is going on around you? It is a radical experience to do nothing at all. Ever try it?
I recently did just that; nothing. My husband and son were at a youth retreat. My oldest daughter was with a friend for the day. I had the three little girls, that was it. I had nothing going on but, there was plenty to do. However, this day was different. I woke up with a heavy heart and knew that this day would be spent in self reflection and examination. I would do nothing at all.
A mother of five doesn't often get the chance to do nothing. Luckily we have lots of TV channels and a Wii that kept the girls busy during my Saturday adventure! *gasp* Yes, that is right. I used the TV and video games as a babysitter for the day!
The more I prayed, the more my heart was opened. The more I cried, the more clear my sight became. The more I read, the more enlightened I became. I can't describe the thoughts that were going through my mind. Some was anger at myself, at circumstances, at things in my past, mistakes that I have made, and ones that others made against me. The anger turned into forgiveness and the desire to put away, no, to dispose of all the negativity that I was harboring in my heart. I needed to let go of the hurt, sorrow, and pain.
I am a firm believer that my circumstances in life have led me to where I am today. I could whine and complain about my life and the hand I was dealt, or I could deal with it, embrace it, and move on. I could think about all the people that have hurt me, or I could spend my time being thankful for the ones that love me. I could concentrate on the "what could have beens" in life and let the blessings that I do have slip away. I could let myself rot away with anger and resentment for all of the issues that I have had to deal with since I was a child, or I could learn from them and appreciate the experience. It is a choice.
Pure and simple. A choice.
My choice, my revelation, this past weekend was to let go of myself. Let go of my fears, my worries, my anger, my sorrow, my bad feelings of lack of accomplishment....and feel free again!