This page is where I will share with everyone about my weight loss journey! It has been a wild ride and I have never been so excited about going through this process!
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My weight loss journey doesn't really begin like most people's. It begins way back when I was a pre-teen. When I was twelve, I began seeing myself in a very skewed fashion. I saw myself as fat. When I would look into a mirror, I didn't see a thin person at all. I saw rolls, a double chin, etc. It didn't matter how often people paid compliments; I was fat before I even weighed 100 lbs.
As my teen years went on, the feelings got worse. I opted to pretty much not eat anything or bare minimums. What I did eat, I wouldn't keep inside. I worked out like none other every morning before school. Most people would probably think that there were some hidden traumatic experience in my life that caused a lack of self esteem. While we all have bad experiences that can make or break us, my eating disorders were not caused from anything other than the fact I felt fat, and saw fat. To me, thin was pretty. And I wanted to be pretty.
Eventually, an irrational fear of triple digits on the scale developed. If I got up to 101 lbs. I stopped eating. I would drop down to the 90's, and I would be OK again. That fear kept going well into adulthood. Nine months pregnant with Dylan, I weighed 126 lbs. I was horrified at that because I had never, ever weighed so much. At 20, I was pregnant with Amanda, and weighed 154 after giving birth. I considered myself to be worthless at that point. My ex husband, who knew of my eating disorders, didn't help the matter any as well. In fact, out of the many people in my life, he is the one that sent me into high gear, and made it worse! Over Amanda's first year and a half of life, I lost 20 lbs slowly. Not really doing anything and trying to get a grip of my tendency to not eat, and throw up. Right after Amanda turned two, I filed for divorce. Without getting into the horrors of my first marriage to stay on topic, I lost 30 lbs. easily over the first month and a half after we separated. I was, at last, back near the 100 range, and knew I was looking better.
When Michael and I started dating, I weighed a measly 93 lbs. This was my lowest in my 20's. And then...everything changed.
Where the story ends is with Michael. He is the change in my life that I needed. He saved me from myself; from wasting away. In the last seven years, I have had three more kids. After number four Hannah, I lost the weight and then some again, and was easily 105, 110 lbs. With baby Lena, number five it has been a long journey.
With Lena, I weighed 185 after I had her. I was horrified, shocked, and ashamed. I didn't even want to be alive at times out of embarrassment for looking the way I did. But, yet, I was so exhausted from my life and a lack of sleep that I did nothing about it. Except eat.
Today, I can proudly say that two years after I had Lena (7-28-09), I have finally decided that I am strong enough to do lose the weight. Since Oct. 5, 2011, I have lost 10 lbs. I have done it fairly healthily too. I have not gone back to my old ways of doing things. What I have done is stop snacking, stop eating large portions, and cut out a meal or two per day. I made a promise to my husband to always eat one meal per day. He doesn't count a cracker and an egg a meal, so yes, I am eating. I have to eat anyway, or else I would die from my blood sugar issues. I have a goal of losing ten lbs. per month, with 40 lbs. more to lose. By warm weather, I want to be able to feel pretty, to be running distances again, and to be more energetic. I want to be able to find that middle ground.
I share all of this with you because I need that watch dog, that support group to keep me on track and focused. But, I also need you to keep a watchful eye. I don't always see things clearly when it comes to my body. I may not be able to stop. I don't want to weigh 95 lbs. again, but that fear of three digits still frightens me.
SO ANYWAY....I am trying very hard to do this the right way. I will be posting updates on this page only, and not my blog itself. Not saying that I won't blog about this at some point, but not right now. My next weigh in will be Dec. 5, 2011. That is the two month point. I should weigh 165 on this day to meet my goal. Then I will only have 30 lbs. to go! Maybe 40. I haven't decided if 135 or 125 is where I need to be. Thanks for reading and watching.
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